Curiosity killed the fucking cat. Doing some goddamn memes brought it back.

[sharpestscalpel]

Or something to that fucking effect.

Little Peaches gave me some questions because some other fuckers were too pussy to do it.

1. Vhat are the most important lessons you've learned in life?

I believe I goddamn already posted this the other fucking day. Worth repeating though. If it's wet and sticky and not your own, don't touch it. There are some sub-lessons about proper glove handling procedures and inoculation on a regular basis for various blood-born pathogens and flesh-eating shit, but you want the short version, that's it.

2. Vhere is the furthest avay from home you hawe ewer been?

I get a little bit further from home every minute, Peaches.

3. Is there anything you hawe done vhich you regret?

There was this little rat-faced shit terrier that our neighbor had when I was growing up. I still regret not breaking that dog's fucking neck. I still have a scar from where that cunt-rag mutt bit me.

4. Vhat is the funniest joke you ewer heard?

I think it's a tie between:

Two baby seals walk into a club.

and

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, milk, dead baby, blender.

5. Vhat has been the proudest moment of your life?

I'm a modest soul. You might could get me drunk enough to talk about it one day though. Feed some Romulan ale and then ask me about the time I almost got myself into some deep shit on the Romulan home world, okay?

Y'all want some goddamn questions, fucking say so, pussies.

Comments

[emma-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Honestly, someone needs to wash your mouth out with soap.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely welcome to come over and give it a try, anytime.

[science-blues.livejournal.com]

Most fascinating. Though I understand the play on words that forms the basic vernacular of the human joke, I, regrettably, cannot ascertain why those two jokes are funny.

I attribute this to cultural dissimilarity. Particularly as jokes on this network appear to default to the killing of small mammals, homo-sapien or otherwise, with regular frequency.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Well, Cheeks, jokes aren't fucking funny if you have to explain them but I'll give it a goddamn effort.

Old Earth fashion trends called for the fur of small mammals - it was a mark of luxury, you know? And baby seals are pure white and goddamn soft like a fucking baby's ass. You couldn't shoot them or spear them or you'd fuck up the hide. So hunters would club them. The grammatical construction reckons that there is humorous tension between the usual "walked into a club" joke construction by which a club is a gathering establishment characterized by alcohol, short skirts, and loud music and the harkening back to seal hunting.

The second is just goddamn funny. But also dependent upon linguistic tension. A float is a Terran dessert beverage, generally involving some sort of ice cream and some sort of fucking soda. My personal favorite is Coke. Fuck rootbeer. So, a dead baby would usually float, given the characteristics of dead bodies, but you play on that word float, see?

You want some questions or what, Cheeks?

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

Who the hell are you?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

I could ask you the same thing. You get hit in the face with a shovel or something?

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

'evening, dipshit! I thought I saw that you were trolling the memes earlier. Sleeping better or is your ship still trying to kill you?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Douchebag, I somehow figured you'd eventually show up.

Trolling? Weaksauce. You already feeling nervous that I'm sniffing around yours?

Haven't had time to pay attention to the ship - I've been up to my elbows in intestines and assholes. Crew ain't got shit to do but gut and fuck each other raw.

1. Why do you have such a douchebag haircut?
2. You got a little girl, I hear. Her name Joanna?
3. That old hag live on the corner when you were growing up? Fucking Mrs. Flatterly? Did you, by any chance, burn down her barn?
4. What'd'ya got to drink over there?
5. Chapel's panties match her uniform?

[mirror-brightly.livejournal.com]

Deep Shit on ch'Rihan?

And you weren't gutted? I may have to buy drinks.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Ears, I'd let you.

Your fucking Senate lacks a goddamn sense of humor, I tell you what.

[lt-moreau.livejournal.com]

Ask away, Doc.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. You always poke at people you're afraid of from a distance as though that will keep you safe?
2. Who the shit are you?
3. Who'd you sleep with to make your rank?
4. Why should I keep talking to you?
5. I like your sash. Where'd you get it?

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

I know I'm going to regret this, but I do have something of an impulse control problem. Ask away.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Well.

Well, well, well. Blondie. Fancy fucking seeing you here again. You got all uppity last time and I figured you'd cruelly abandoned me.

1. You the fancy underwear type?
2. How long are your legs?
3. How would you rate your flexibility?
4. Your douchebag boss implied that you've got my captain and first officer there. You been talking to our resident Vulcan pretty boy, Blondie?
5. What was your last nightmare?

[kirk-winona.livejournal.com]

then ask me about the time I almost got myself into some deep shit on the Romulan home world

That is why I never drink Romulan ale, you don't remember anything after you drink it. Ask away.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

That gets easier with practice.

1. What do you drink?
2. Who the fuck are you?
3. Wait, you're a fucking Kirk? Like, Jim Kirk's mother? Man, that kid's an asshole. A close-to-death asshole, but an asshole.
4. What'd'ya DO?
5. Who do you do it with?

[nawigator]

Vell, it is only fair that I allow you to ask questions of me since I asked them of you, da?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. Someone over there giving you a hard time, Peaches?
2. You a runner?
3. What's your favorite animated movie?
4. What's the last thing that made you happy?
5. Where was peaches invented?

[anna-kowalski.livejournal.com]

Fair is fair.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. Those dark eyebrows make me wonder: what is your natural hair color?
2. What do you even goddamn do on your ship?
3. How do you feel about kittens?
4. How do you feel about genital piercing?
5. What is your worst childhood memory?

[len-not-spock.livejournal.com]

This could be interesting.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. Who the fuck're you?
2. What initially drew you to photography?
3. What's your take on the whole transdimensional nature of these here encounters?
4. Those chompers your grinning such a big grin with, they false?
5. What the shit does your user name mean?

[its-oriley.livejournal.com]

What's worse than ten dead babies in one dumpster? One dead baby in ten dumpsters.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
2. How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
3. How do you get 100 dead babies in a bucket?
4. How do you get them out again?
5. Who the fuck are you?

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

This should be vastly entertaining.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. What the fuck, where there the shit did you go?
2. You have any idea how bitchy your calculator gets when you aren't here to fuck some sweetness into his ass?
3. That, ah, bit of glassware frippery you been hauling around for the last four months in the cargo bay? Was that expensive?
4. You've got nice underlying bone structure, Captain - where are your people from?
5. Can I get a raise?

[john-grimm.livejournal.com]

What the fuck? Where did you come from?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Georgia.

You signing up for fucking questions or what?

[just-uhura.livejournal.com]

I have a feeling I'll regret this, but by all means Bones, ask away.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. Sweetskirt like you, I bet you're attached. What's your romantic entanglement looking like at the moment?

2. How many languages can you say fucking in?

3. You look like the platonic cuddling type. You ever not platonically cuddle a goddamn woman?

4. Those boots you got are pretty fucking attractive. You wear them to bed?

5. What's your favorite dessert?

[ephram-green.livejournal.com]

I'm probably going to regret this, but...ask your questions.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

1. Who the fuck're you?
2. That's some faggy fucking white hair you got there. What the shit is up with that?
3. I seen you on other journals. You're S.I. What brings you to that snotwad of an Enterprise?
4. You met my goddamn captain and his shitting calculator yet?
5. All anybody ever seems to do over there is fuck. You get laid yet?

[4leaf-redshirt.livejournal.com]

Fuckin hilarious jokes there. But call me a pussy again and we might have an issue Jigsaw. Ask away.

[easy-green.livejournal.com]

I would say I'd have sex with you because you are very refreshing. You say what you think and, being around humans, that is very rare. You remind me a lot of the Masters on Orion though and fucking you would probably be bad for my head or something like that. I can answer questions though.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Ah, it's you. I'm amazed you've discovered so many gluttons for punishment.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Hey, asshole. Yeah, the cocksuckers around here are a dime-a-dozen and they just keep showing up in a little fucking line to look at me like I'm some goddamn zoo exhibit. You'd think they'd never seem a fucking doctor before.

[xaque-heals.livejournal.com]

Why don't I want to kill you?
Last openly sadistic alterversion of me I met, I let trying to breath shit and eat steal. Waste of a good knife.