99 bottles of fucking beer on the goddamn wall - and by wall I mean my fucking stomach. Liver. Wev.

[sharpestscalpel]

You know what we fucking need?

We need some goddamn puppies.

Fucking puppies are awesome.

Not, like, fucking puppies with fucking as the verb - that's just goddamn sick, y'all. Why would anyone wanna fuck a puppy? Puppyfucker.

No, goddamn it, I mean puppies are fucking awesome. With their shitting little waggy fucking tails and their holy-fuck-that's-goddamn-cold wet noses that they always stick up under your fucking hand because they want you to pet them.

That's the shit, I tell you goddamn what.

I want a puppy. Fucking Pike ain't here to not let me have a puppy - next time we find some fucking puppies, I'm keeping me a damn puppy.

Comments

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

McCoy, you and I both know you'd kill that puppy the first time it pissed on the floor in sickbay. I think the only pet safe with you is a pet rock.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Captain, forgive my fucking language but you are talking out of your ass. I would never hurt a fucking puppy.

Puppies are awesome.

Had a pet rock. Came in handy for some stuff.

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

Just how much have you had to drink tonight? How long until I have to order another artificial liver for your sorry drunken ass?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Pike, I'm bored. You know I don't do fucking bored very goddamn well.

And, shit, I don't know. I wasn't counting.

When are you fucking coming back? It isn't boring when you're here.

You're an asshole, Captain, but it ain't the goddamn same without you.

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

I'll be back soon. Can't leave you lot over there without someone leading the way.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

Oh, fucking fuck, that fucking reminds me. Did I tell you about Scotty's newest goddamn thing?

It's why I'm fucking drinking tonight. Fucking Scotty, Pike, let me tell you. You know that still you keep dismantling the shit out of? He's put it back together with some goddamned added fucking emphasis. Shit has some KICK, I tell you what.

Don't taste half bad, either. It'll turn you blind quicker than sticking your eye out with a motherfucking fork though.

Anyway, he cooked this shit up and I said to him, Scotty, what the fucking fuck? And he said, Listen, cocksucker, I didn't give you that, you just fucking took it, you think I'm telling you shit? And I told him, Scotty, I tell you what, you fucking cocksnot dickwad, I'm going to do whatever the shit I want because it isn't like your drunk ass can stop me. And so he told me, Captain, he told me so I'm telling you, goddamn it, that he made it in goddamn honor of the motherfucking Enterprise for her FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

You know, somehow, I am not surprised. Tell me, are you sure that what he made can't be poured into the engines with less painful side effects then it can into a human body?

Is Kirk still alive?

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

You wanna be the goddamn man that suggests to that crazy fucking bastard that his precious engines get anything other than the finest fucking dilithium, I will fucking patch you up after, Pike, but I will say I goddamn told you so.

Last time I fucking checked on his sorry ass he was still gasping like a motherfucking fish on land. I'll head back over there in the morning and check on his sorry cocksucker ass.

[iron-command.livejournal.com]

You know he's constantly trying to think of things to improve on it. Wouldn't be surprised if the drunkard figured out something that involved alcohol.

Wouldn't surprise me in the least if you've already tapped that sorry cocksucker ass. Seeing him like that probably is a huge turn on for you.

[sharpestscalpel.livejournal.com]

I might've taped me some fucking footage but I ain't touched one goddamn hair on his lily-mouthed blond head.

At least, I ain't done it yet.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

You have quite the prose style.

I'm actually not being sarcastic or condescending.